


The System, Explained

by Kalliopestarmist (KalliopeStarmist)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Board Games, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Baggage, M/M, The Mother of Invention is a Sex Ship, Unintentional Incest Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 14:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5379284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KalliopeStarmist/pseuds/Kalliopestarmist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Freelancers have their theories about the Leader Board. Carolina is not on board.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The System, Explained

“I just mean that we, playing on the hardest difficulty, eradicated the blue disease before it even reached Istanbul and that at least requires some _leadership_ skills.”

Wash sighed, folding his cards down, and fixed a mile-long stare at North. “You _said_ she wasn’t going to do this.”

North only shrugged. “Sorry, she didn’t last week, I thought she’d stopped doing it.”

“Doing what?” Carolina demanded, to the total silence of the table.

“See, this is why I didn’t want to play,” Wyoming chimed from a battered armchair on the other end of the rec room, where he was reading a dog-eared and battered copy of _Restaurant at the End of the Universe_.

“Somebody tell me what the hell it is that I do.”

The group at the table didn’t say anything, so Wyoming took it upon himself to answer from the relative safety of his chair. “That thing where you turn everything into an endless diatribe about how you deserve to be top of the leader board instead of Texas.”

Carolina made an undignified squeak and clenched her fist around her character card. “I was just _commenting_ that we are demonstrating some high-quality teamwork skills here.” She glared at the game board as if having a moment with the cluster of tokens around Johannesburg. “And why _is_ Texas at the top anyway?”

South and Washington groaned at the same time. “Here we go.”

“She doesn’t even _show up_ to board game night, and I keep dragging my ass down here to do some old-fashioned teambuilding and does the leader board algorithm factor that in? No!”

“Lina, sweetie,” South threw her cards down, knocking a red marker into Atlanta. “It’s about time someone told you how this program works.”

“No, Sis, don’t tell her that, she’ll just-,”

“I don’t care. If I have to listen to her freak out about Texas over _Forbidden Island_ one more time I’m going to shoot them both myself,” South grumbled at her brother before turning back to a silently glaring Carolina. “Look, the Leader Board algorithm’s not this big mystery and playing Pandemic with us is not scoring you points unless you want to do it in a maid outfit. Which I’m not ruling out.”

“ _Excuse_ me?”

“It’s just who the Director wants to bang. That’s it. That’s the secret.”

As expected, Carolina did not take this theory well at all. “I’m _on_ that board!”

“Uh, _yeah_ ,” South rolled her eyes and gestured at the rest of the room. “We’re all on that board. Did you not notice that we’re all super hot?”

“I was at the _top_ of that board!” Carolina said as though this was somehow a definitive argument.

“Yeah, boss, you’re, like, _really_ pretty,” Wash ventured. “So…. Is it my turn? I still don’t understand how the rules to this game work… If I travel to London do I break the US quarantine, or?”

“The leader board isn’t about who’s the prettiest!”

“Of course not,” North said soothingly. Carolina had gone a sort of unhealthy tomato red and it was hard to resist reassuring her. Or tacking on, “It’s also about who follows orders best. He’s into that.”

Carolina shuddered and scooted her chair away from North just a smidgen. “I am done talking about this.”

“Look, if he puts his hand somewhere you don’t want it, break his fingers. He’ll get the hint.”

“I said I am _done_ talking about this. Washington, are you going to move or what?”

“Uh, well, if I move to Europe will it-”

“Seriously, though, ‘Lina,” Wyoming called without turning around to face the card table. “I wouldn’t worry. Allison’s told him to bugger off and as far as I can tell that was the end of it.”

Wash picked up his little blue token and raised it experimentally over London, looking over to his boss for approval. She wasn’t watching. She was turning in her chair, slowly, teeth clenched and murder in her eyes, towards Wyoming.

“Who,” she growled, “the ever-loving goddamn shit _fucking_ hell. is _Allison_?”

“Texas,” the Freelancers chorused, unconcerned. Carolina’s eyes went dark with the depths of eternal hatred on such a regular basis that you couldn’t really let it get to you.

Wash set his token down in London just as Carolina pushed herself to her feet, knocking the diseases into the next continent and sending Wash’s token rolling onto the floor.  “That’s it. I’m done. I’m out.”

“Don’t do it, ‘Lina,” Wyoming said, turning a page and not looking up. “You’re a good agent all on your own and you’ve got that nice young man on the hook.”

“Yeah,” Wash threw in, not wanting to be left out of the advice-giving, “and if you’re gonna do it, maybe wait at least until Maine’s not in there. That’s gonna make it weird. You gotta work up to threesomes with your boss, trust me.”

She froze at the door. “ _What_ about Maine?”

“Oh,” Wash sucked in his breath as she turned around to glare at him. “I uh… Oh, you, uh, didn’t know. Um.”

“ _What are you implying about Maine?_ ”

“Oh, gosh,” North looked around at the other two people at the table and then back to his squad leader. “I don’t think there was any implication there at all. I mean, Wash pretty much just said it.”

“Yeah. Hey, don’t tell him that I told you, okay? I feel like I broke some bro code. Lina?”

* * *

 

 The next morning, pointedly during regular business hours and after an exhaustive conversation with FILSS about the exact location of every Freelancer agent on the MoI, Carolina made her way to the Director’s office.

“Director?”

“Yes, Agent, I can see you there. What is it?”

“I… um…” Carolina clicked her fingers together, fidgeting with imaginary index cards. Well, not exactly imaginary, she had them written, just not in the room. That would be unprofessional. “I don’t usually speak this frankly with you, but it’s… come to my attention that… there is a rumor that….”

“Spit it _out_ , Carolina, I’m very busy.”

She took a deep breath. “Some of the guys think that our rankings are based on who you want to sleep with.”

There was a beat while both of them pretended not to be glancing at her name on the glowing blue list on the far side of the room.

“Well,” the Director cleared his throat and grabbed a piece of paperwork, seemingly at random, off the top of a stack and started writing on it. “That is _ob_ viously not the case.”

“No, I know, I just-”

“There are a good three or four metrics that rank above sex appeal.”

“Come again?"

“I fully intend to. Although… FILSS, can we drop board game night’s weight down by 12%? I don’t know what Price was thinkin’.”

“You can't-”

“I can't _what_ , exactly?”

“You can't just sleep with Maine,” Carolina blurted out. Her CO looked up at her, glasses glinting ominously. “...sir.”

* * *

 

South found her fearless squad leader lying, plank-like, face down on her bed in full armor.

“So, how’d the sexual harassment talk go?” she asked, nudging her leg. “Are we getting formal apologies and a class action settlement? Is Maine getting dumped by his sugar daddy?”

Carolina’s exaggerated drawl was muffled by the mattress. “The sys-tem will deh-ter-mine who Ah sleep with, Care-oh-lina.”

South clucked sympathetically and sat down on the bed. Carolina’s lifeless body bounced with the mattress but otherwise stayed where it was. “Not gonna lie, kinda saw that coming. You give him the line about Maine not being able to consent properly?”

“The man can con-sent to riskin’ his li-afe for his countray, he can con-sent to this.”

“Poor little squad leader.” South patted the top of Carolina’s helmet. “I hate to say ‘I told you so’ but what do we always say about locking that ass down?”

“I’m not into Maine-“

“You just don’t want anyone else to touch him.”

“You guys can! Just not-“

“Mmhmm.”

“Ugh. No, I just…” Carolina rolled over onto her back, “It’s like I’m 16 again and my dad’s convinced that my best friend is after something more from me so he hits on him until I do not have a best friend, my father has a best friend and that best friend is after something from _him_ and I end up going to prom alone because Grant got offered a tour of the lab that same night as if _I don’t know what’s going on there._ ”

South needed a moment to process this before whistling. “Holy shit, Care.”

“He wasn’t even into me, Jake Moore was and we got to second base that night so the joke was on them. Except that I was out a best friend. And… I don’t want to be out a Maine.”

“Do you want me to… go get North to say nice things to you? This is more what he’s for. I’m not… this isn’t my-” South stood up slowly, trying to beat a tasteful retreat, only to have Carolina tug at the hem of her hoodie.

“No, I like you. Stay.”

“Okay…” South took a deep breath and looked around the sparse room for some sort of inspiration on being supportive. “Well first… _wow_. Second, look, your father may have been a complete asshole but he was trying to keep you safe from all that evil sexual intercourse. I’m not saying that wasn’t fucked up, I just… think that the _goal_ was to get rid of your friend? So I get why you’re sorta fucked up about Maine, but it’s different. The Director’s not trying to get rid of your best friend. He’s not thinking about you at all! So, that’s fine. Third… like, what the fuck, Lina, how are you an even remotely functional person?”

“Yeah, thanks, South. You’re a real font of comfort.”

“I _offered_ to get my brother.”

* * *

 

The next time Maine saw Carolina was in the locker room, after a solo training session, and she refused to notice him as she toweled off her hair.

“North says you're mad,” he said, sitting next to her on the bench and studying New Hampshire’s empty locker.

“Not at you.”

“Hn. Broke it off.”

“... You didn't have to do that on my account. We're all grown ups here. You can do what you want.”

Maine shook his head. “No. Was weird. I'm young enough to watch grifball with his daughter.”

Carolina let the towel drop to her lap, and the two of them sat together for a moment, listening to the ventilation fans hum, neither looking at the other.

“Yeah,” Carolina said. “I guess that would be weird.”

“The Strikes are playing tonight.”

“Yeah.” She leaned over just enough to gently bump her shoulder against his arm. “You wanna grab a beer?”

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact! Board Game Night performance was never a factor in the Leader Board selection. Most of the MoI is bugged so Director Church can fuck with people in exactly this manner.


End file.
